Everyday Feels, Wedding

Wedding Bells for Real

I’m back from my hiatus.

The time has ticked past the flurry of long, long days. Now, we’ve arrived at a point in time where I’m happy to announce (again) that our wedding is on for next year in 2018. The venue has been booked and the deposits have been made, so God willing, things will go smoothly this time.

Over the course of our engagement, I know we may have gained much more fans as a couple, mostly taking form in distant, non-immediate family members. I have personally received and felt welcoming embraces and smiles of joy from his side of the family whom I’ve not known previously. I’m more than glad that people even as prime as his grandaunts warmly embrace me into their arms, into their families with open hearts. His aunts feel comfortable chatting with me even about the most random of things. Well, not forgetting his cousins, who weren’t all that hard to get along with because it so happens, we were all born and streamed into the same radio frequency. Most importantly, it’s an even greater pleasure to feel that people accept me for who I am, and not who they want me to be. Because all my life, the people (or person) closest to me, who was supposed to nurture me and guide me from childhood to adulthood has been trying to change/manipulate every part of me to his preference. He has even tried to sabotage my relationship. I can’t even continue sharing about the things he has done. Let God only hold the bitter and terrible truths for me.

But alas, we both survived hardships and big fat lemons that were tossed our way. We held our fort bravely, and here we are today counting down to our wedding.

Amongst the joyous news here, I know there’s a hint of bitterness lurking behind these strings of words. This is mostly my realising that I don’t need to remain prisoned by the opinions of someone (or people) who don’t have my best interests at heart, who have other deeper concerns that enveloped only their own interests at the expense of others. Even if this other person is a close and immediate family member.

I don’t need more words to point you in the direction of the person I’m referring to. It’s beyond obvious.

In all this bitterness, and bleakness, I know one day the skies will clear its grey and pave a way for blue. We don’t have to be gloomy, just because we don’t get what we want. Or need. Although I’m still bitter over that person cancelling our wedding that was meant to happen July last year, I do feel that there had been so may instances and enlightening reasons for why things were delayed. For the better. 

It’s okay that we had to start a new life together almost a year later. But surely, without this extra delayed year, we wouldn’t feel like all the people who knew us, care for us and love us would be completely behind us celebrating our union like its their own. Without this extra time gap, we wouldn’t have won the hearts of the people we thought didn’t really matter. And in this time, we have received more love and support than we ever expected. It warms my heart how people have been showing so much excitement, keen interest and eagerness to attend our wedding next year. It really does.

In all this, life has reminded me yet again that things happen for a reason. There’s a hikmah behind every occurrence that is seemingly pessimistic, or negative. Allah never forgets us.

The past weekend was a glimpse of how joyous and exciting our wedding event would be like next year, with the people we call family so eager to honour our celebration with their presence, prayers and love. That’s all that matters. Blessings are what actually counts towards happiness in our lives. 

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Everyday Feels

Struggling to Explain A Struggle

In this world, between those that you know and those that you follow, there still lives amongst us people who struggle to discern between trying to understand someone else’s circumstantial life and being sensitive or respectful even when you can’t understand a smidge of it. I think it’s actually honesty that maintains the necessary balance in a conversation that involves a life struggle. It’s much easier if someone truthfully admits that they don’t and can never understand how you feel and what you have gone through; that is possibly one of the most respectful actions, and if you’re having a deep conversation so much so that someone is opening up their vulnerabilities to you, you owe it to them to be honest and sincere in trying to help them, even if that just means you sit there and listen for a while.

But for most people, they would rather pretend to understand and claim to be that ‘been-there-done-there bitch’ when they’re actually just disagreeing with how you feel, judging your life and criticising your thoughts when they have not once been in your shoes. They think that they could fool those who are opening up to them; yes you may but you can’t fool them all the time. For us to be in a situation where we feel so trapped, bleak and helpless, wouldn’t you think we would have done everything in our power to change our fates and our circumstances? Haven’t you heard that “desperate times call for desperate measures”? You didn’t think of that, did you? That’s because you weren’t desperate enough to want to change your circumstances, simply because you weren’t even trapped in those circumstances, ever.

Please don’t pretend to be that person who has successfully eased out of that struggle when you can hardly understand the struggle or the significance of it to someone’s emotional and mental health to begin with, much less give generic comments and solutions that even a desperate person would see it as illogical. You have your personal struggles, and it’s fabulous that you were lucky enough to be able to pull through out of your many struggles in one piece, mind and body intact. But for some people, they dream of it every day, believing it that they can and yet, they’re still waiting on that day or that opportunity to pluck themselves out of the situation. Everyone knows how difficult reality is, even the most insane and unstable minds know that escapism is an alternative to reality. Escaping something that brings you discomfort and depression is surely the top solution. Of course, everyone would have thought of escaping their struggles in a split second, if they could. We don’t need another voice to add on to the millions of voices in our heads telling us to run the fuck out of this place and this terribly upsetting situation right this minute.

If you can’t be the problem-solver, it’s okay, because we appreciate you just being the sunshine on our cloudy day instead of pretending like you can be the problem-solver.

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Everyday Feels

Clearly, I’m Upset with Sephora (SG)

Essentially, what I have composed in my email to our local Sephora team will briefly (or in detail) explain my disappointment in their purchasing choices, or so I believe. Read ahead and enlighten yourselves, let me know if you feel my pain T.T

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Dear Sephora SG,

I would like to bring to your attention that there is a rather disappointing/limited shade range for a particular product that I believe, is one of the totally necessary cult beauty products and has always been a popular favourite amongst many Youtube makeup gurus and makeup users alike – ‘NYX HD Photogenic Concealer Wand’.

Here is a photo of the product for your convenient reference:

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I was recommended to purchase this by friends and family, backed by its popularity amongst Youtube users and reviewers as it is an affordable and great option. Much to my dismay, the Sephora outlet that I visited at Suntec City Mall yesterday only brings about 4 shades, the lightest being either the ‘Fair’ or ‘Light’ shade, which is meant for people with beige skin. According to your online store, this particular product is only available in 4 shades (Medium, Light, Glow, Beige) out of the pretty impressive 23 shades (inclusive of the 3 colour-correcting shades) that NYX manufactures.

I’m a really fair Malay-Chinese woman (and I use the lightest shade ‘Fair Sand’ for the Tarte Amazonian Clay Foundation). I’m sure many Singaporeans, mostly dominated by Chinese who may have equally fair or even fairer skin tones than I, would be rather disappointed at the limited shade range for this seemingly amazing product. It would be great if Sephora can bring in the lighter shades (Alabaster, Porcelain, Fair, Light, Nude Beige etc) so that other Singaporeans with fair, light, beige and medium complexions can enjoy this wonderful product too.

In addition, if you haven’t noticed, we have quite a sizeable community of dark-skinned people too (although they may be minorities). It would be really nice if Sephora can also bring in the many darker shades (an impressive 9 to be exact) to suit the medium tanned, olive and dark skinned individuals. I believe the hype of the ‘Amazing Cosmetics’ concealer is as real as that of NYX products, and as we all know, NYX’s affordable and wonderful products have taken the (beauty) world by storm. It would only be fair if Sephora brings in all 23 shades of the ‘NYX HD Photogenic Concealer Wand’ since Sephora is able to supply such a variety of shades of the ‘Amazing Cosmetics’ concealer (this being the high end product).

I have noticed that generally, both the drugstores and Sephora have very few brands that bring in a wide range of shades for concealers. I understand that many of these brands that you bring in such as Tarte, Stila, Urban Decay etc., do not make/manufacture a large range of (concealer) shades to suit almost every skin tone out there. That said, there is a mere handful of brands that do make concealers with a great variety of shades, or at least a decent variety, and this includes NYX’s ‘HD Photogenic Concealer Wand’. The comparable Maybelline Fit Me concealer (which is a dupe for the amazing but pricey ‘NARS Radiant Creamy Concealer’) is already unavailable in Singapore thus it would definitely outdo the very limited options in the drugstores (Watsons, Guardian) and the other concealer brands in Sephora that only have a few generic shades.

In essence, I really hope that Sephora’s purchasing team would really consider bringing in more shades for products and brands that do make a variety of shades to suit every skin tone in our multi-cultural/multi-ethnic society because, believe it or not, not every Chinese, Malay, Indian, Filipino, Caucasian, Eurasian and every other ethnicity residing in Singapore is of the beige/medium skin tone.

I sure am counting my lucky stars that other Sephora outlets somehow brings in the complete range of NYX’s ‘HD Photogenic Concealer Wand’.

Thank you for your kind attention.

Yours truly,

Hazwani

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Everyday Feels

Good Guilt

Before I begin this confession, I hope that all of you will give me a chance to explain my perspective before pinning any judgment on my affairs. Read this post until the end. Trust me, this time skipping ahead won’t do you any good. It doesn’t do me any justice either. Let’s begin my story.

He is what I dream of before I sleep, before I wake. In my dreams, I see him in that café across the street, that froyo shop I like most and even in those lovely restaurants my fiancé brings me to. I go head over heels for him sometimes, when I feel I need a chance or when I feel guilty. For weeks I feel like he knows me; what I like, which part of him that really reels me in and keeps me asking for more. His lips feel buttery against mine, an almost raw taste that keeps our kiss refreshing almost every time we meet. Those cracks and crevices on the surface of his lips helps me savour the moment, as I trace my tongue against them. Sometimes, he forgets to freshen up with a spearmint or two and I secretly enjoy having to know what he last had for lunch. He likes cheese, blue cheese particularly. Occasionally, I know when he’s in the mood for something more fancy from the tiny bits of cranberries stuck between his teeth as we go French.

He fills me not in a way that makes me gag after a heavy lunch. Truth be told, sometimes even when I think I’ve had enough, I keep coming for more. It’s not just how he feeds my needs, my hungers and my desires but how he satisfies me emotionally when I need something so hopeful, motivational and “right” to associate myself with in order to get on with the mundane day. Often, I find myself inviting him over for dinner as he seems to enjoy the shows that I am currently obsessed with. There’s nothing there for a girl like me to deny myself some good company with common grounds and opinions worth exchanging.

I hate it when I see him in the arms of another woman. Their mouths stuck to his like how I like mine on his too. Their tongues lapping out his juices. And their throats, deep enough to have all of him. I’ll just leave this at that. It pains me, it almost burns me at times. I always have this ball in my chest, pushing against me and my will to grab him out of that woman’s hands. When I’m enraged, I imagine myself striking a fork to his torso, and more.

I know my fiancé hates him. He says he’s “allergic” to “people” like him. It’s sad. But, I try. I always make an effort to be honest. Sometimes, I do admit that I enjoy showing him off to my fiancé because matter of fact, he is good for me, for us. I know it’s hard for my fiancé to ever accept him. Frankly, it’s alright. Time will tell it all.

I have to say. This feels wrong. I shouldn’t be having such deep feelings for him. It’s almost like cheating but I checked with my fiancé and he’s perfectly fine with this new relationship I have. I’m glad he’s not a competition. I want to keep them both in my life, now and forever.

Don’t judge me just yet because one day, when you find something beautiful like this you will be in the same position as I am. You want to deny your feelings but you can’t. When the heart mixes with the head, there’s no turning back now. You know he’s good for you and you don’t want to let go of something so precious that makes you feel refreshed and clear-gutted.

What’s done is done. I love this thing I have with him now. My new beau is a healthy addition to my relationship, no doubt.

 

I guess it’s time to introduce him to the world, before someone else tells it for me.

 

 

 

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Everyone, meet Caesar, my lovely egg salad. Caesar, everyone.

 

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Everyday Feels

Resurrected

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The time to resurrect my blog has arrived. This calls for a celebration! Let’s bring in the champagne and toast to my mildly revamped rant site! (jk, it’s haraam). Truth be told I’m celebrating with my study notes out. So God help me.

It’s been a long while since I posted. I was set back by an incident that clearly required me to change my url and username. Also, I decided to remove the school component in my blog. So, whatever that my past readers have read about my school or attachments are gone. I burnt them to the ground. Nah, I just permanently deleted the posts for a very good reason – which wouldn’t be revealed because I’m not very keen to speak about something that I firstly, can’t and secondly, don’t agree on 100%.

So it’s a fresh new start here. Deleted a couple of categories or posts for my own sake and safety. Still kept most of my memorable rants here though.

I decided to add a few more categories which I find irresistable not to share on. I’ll start posting these in times to come.

Although what I said may be vague and possibly a tad bit confusing, but I sure hope that you people out there would get my hint and follow suit. For there are some things that are bigger than you, and they know that but they seem to think it’s still okay to shun those who speak their minds in truth and all fairness. May God be the judge of us all.

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Everyday Feels, Music/Covers

King – Years & Years Acoustic Cover

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It’s been a super long time since I did a cover. So this was like some warm up song for my rusty vocal chords that haven’t been used in a while. Alhamdulillah, many great things have been coming my way recently and that’s why I’ve been so busy even through these 3 weeks of vacation. Today’s my final rest day before school starts and I thought hey, why not do a cover since no one’s home and I’ve been wanting to.

For all you Years & Years fans or EDM lovers out there, this is a watered down version of ‘King’ 🙂

https://soundcloud.com/hazwani-gates/king-years-years-acoustic-cover-17416-200-pm

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