Everyday Feels

Right Now?

I just feel like bawling my eyes out. 

That feeling has been on the edge of bursting forth since 2 hours ago. I don’t know if it’s merely the wash of relief after an exhausting 2 weeks of hospital visits, worries over both my parents’ health, arguments and misunderstandings with my family, external issues that aren’t even mine and intensive studying since 2 weeks ago that are causing me this massive overwhelmingness. I’m literally getting my rest only now even though I had fun last Saturday, a rest day at home on Sunday spent studying and 3 weeks more to go of intensive studying, I just feel like right now’s my moment to breathe. Held my breath too long. 2 weeks was just one too long.

I have no specific reason to feel upset, I just collectively feel like tearing myself apart or lying on the ground for 24 straight hours with nothing but nothing on my mind. 

I hope I don’t burn out before this half of the semester ends. I just need to get by for 3 more weeks. I honestly cannot be bothered to resolve misunderstanding that aren’t even my doing to begin with because I’ve no ounce of energy left to direct what remains of my spirit and effort to correct things I didn’t do. I’m now just focused on what I can do to better the future ahead.

If there’s one thing I could do now, it would be to disappear for a day and wander wherever my mind will go, unbothered and uninterrupted. I just want my soul to roam freely and rejuvenate itself for what lies ahead of us. 

Right now, I want to move out of this house not because I cannot stand living here or I’m not appreciative of what I have in this place my parents have provided for me. I really am suffocating living here with my d _ _ mostly, I’m so sick all the way up till its bubbling at my throat threateningly. I’m turning 21 and getting married next year for God’s sake, just let be human and let me live like a normal human being for what’s left of my teen years before I become an adult and someone’s wife. Sometimes, it is admittedly easier to just choke myself because the physical pain is so much easier to handle than going through the motion figuratively for years now. I’m just so sick of this shit and my tolerance is just like a fused bulb, not even flickering any longer.

God forgive me for throwing shade at him but you’ve known this struggle for 20 years now, when will I see the light at the end of this tunnel?

I just want alone time whenever I can, so that I can normalise my breathing, feel the rhythm under my feet, listen to the wind in my ears.

Don’t be alarmed. I’m just most expressive with words.