I haven’t been blogging so much because I’ve been busy and… also really lazy. Oops. Mostly, my mind is pre-occupied with other concerns that only allows me to feel for the most part and hinders my need to express them through words. I’m not troubled or anything close to that but I’m a thinker. My brain works more than it should daily. I think about every single possibility for every situation that may or may not happen or is currently happening. There are just certain things that let you ponder with uninterrupted train of thought but doesn’t really allow room to translate them into words. They’re just stuck on a virtual conveyor belt that remains in your head.
I kinda need to let things out a little today, but not too much.
Lately, apart from studies, I’ve been putting my mind to rest about the wedding and I guess everyone in the house is doing the same thing because believe it or not, no matter how small and intimate you plan your wedding to be, it is STILL going to be stressful. I mean I don’t need to reason out right? You guys can always search for my past cheesy posts about marriage and stuff like that.
Taking in place of wedding planning on my mind is my living/housing arrangements. Currently, Iqbal and I aren’t financially ready to purchase our own home. Perhaps, in 2 or 3 years.
Initially, we’ve all decided and agreed that Iqbal and I will be staying at my parents’ place because we I have my own room and it’s no where near squeez-y or overpopulated. His current house is a maisonette and there’s at least 6 people living there excluding his maid. His current house state, yep not enough room to house the both of us. Fortunately, his parents decided to buy another house (for a different reason) and there is suddenly a room for Iqbal and I to stay in without compromising their current housing arrangements. In short, Iqbal and I now have a choice to either stay at my parents’ or his parents’ place. We’re definitely 90% positive that we would be staying at his parents’ place simply because it’s in Admiralty/Woodlands area and it’s nearer to school for me. His mom had similar thoughts in mind and I’m quite glad she had such thoughtfulness for me.
I’m excited because I can stay nearer school, I have more time to study as opposed to wasting it on travel and I can have my own kitten before getting our own place! All that fun aside, I’m naturally feeling anxious and worried about living there because you know, it’s not ‘your’ house and I have to change so many things about my lifestyle if I were to live there. I’m not hesitant but I need time to transition between these 2 lifestyles and get used to it. I’m really thankful that Iqbal is being really understanding and he wants me to be comfortable with whatever living/housing arrangements.
- I’m used to not wearing a bra at home or pants and I usually at most, wear a tank top and a pair of shorts daily. Sometimes i wear a big ass shirt with no pants on.
- I love not having to bring my new change of clothes with me to the bathroom.
- I love wrapping myself in a towel and walking around the house to dry myself before going into my room to change.
- I enjoy using the toilet without closing the doors.
- I need and cannot live without air conditioning. Like I can’t. I’ll just toss and turn like mad.
- I’m sensitive to very dusty conditions that don’t do thorough cleaning at least every few months with a vacuum and a mop.
- I can’t sleep in dirty and dusty linens. It gives me allergies and skin rashes.
- I’m icky with doing other people’s dirty dishes. Like I cannot stand the smell and sight of cleaning other people’s dishes.
- I hate washing dishes except my own.
- I HATE HATE HATE dirty toilets that have mould and whatever on the floor tiles, wall tiles, pipes and shelves.
I mean to you these concerns are really trivial but to me, they are important because it’s the way I live and do stuff that makes me happy, feel normal and really comfortable. I’m not saying that I’m not willing to change all that but I’m still in the process of trying to change my mindset about changing my lifestyle because I’m going to get married and I’m not just living for myself. It bothers me quite a bit that I have to wear ‘properly’ and I worry that I might skin rashes if I sweat too much not because of working out. I’m just worried about change. I’m really anxious about having to live with people I never lived with before. What if I’m too busy with school and my mother-in-law wants me to help her cook? What if I have an exam and my parents-in-law are not those who take exams as an excuse not to mingle and participate in family gatherings? What if I don’t like their toilet conditions? What if I’m actually allergic to cat fur? What if the air-conditioning broke down?
I’m honestly scared about all these changes because I’m really comfortable right now and as realistic and optimistic as I can be, I’m afraid of leaving my first world comforts. I know that some of these concerns are just played up more exaggeratedly in my mind than they actually are but I can’t help it.
I’m really dead stoked to live with him, live closer to school, live with cats and get away from my controlling father but I’m really going to miss my mother and sister and all my comforts here. In addition, I’ve to constantly try to build my relationship with his parents and Kiki (who is a scaredy cat).
Iqbal has been kind to tell me that he doesn’t mind moving back to my parents’ place if I don’t feel comfortable there but apparently, staying at his parents’ place was mainly for my convenience to and fro from school. I’m so blessed with thoughtful people who care about my well-being and my studies but I gotta face the facts by trying to adapt to new changes. I’ve to give it a go and have a taste of it before giving it up altogether. His mom practically adores me and I hope that it remains that way.
I’m just jittery about living in not just a brand new and unfamiliar place, but having to live with other people too and not just Iqbal and our lovely cats. I won’t be able to see my mom so often and randomly call ‘Mama’ a hundred times like a broken radio because I like the sound of it in my ears, or hug and kiss my sister before sleep even though she hates me being clingy. I’m going to miss the people I’m used to live with because they’re part of my comfort zone.
Having to adapt to emergencies or tragedies isn’t much of an issue to me, yet. But having to willingly tear yourself from what you’re most comfortable with is much harder than it seems. I don’t know if other brides have these dilemmas.
I hope this post sheds some light on issues that some of you guys haven’t thought of while daydreaming about the married life. Give it some thought so you’re better prepared than I am.
May Allah be with me always and guide me in this new journey. Amin 🙂