Everyday Feels

How Our Story Began.

Heard this song? “…And I Always Thought You’d Come Back, Tell Me, All You Found Was Heartache & Misery”.

He did. He always came back and shared that with me from time to time. All the messed up relationships he had from time to time. I was his listening ear, that friend he could talk to about his relationships for years and years. Of course it hurt, to be on the other end, both knowing the mutual like we had for one another and yet, I had to be that sincere friend to listen to his woes and resist ruining his relationship with someone else. It was hard being the one who wished that you were that ‘someone else’. Somehow I knew years before that even when he had someone else then, I just had this strong instinct that he’d end up with me. Maybe at that point of time, I could have been more hopeful than certain of my instincts, but instincts remain the closest thing you have that is more reliable than your emotions at best. I trust mine.

We go way back. I met him on a social media platform that has already been removed for years now. In short, I knew him for almost 8 years now. I’ll skip the entire 8 year process of getting to learn about each other and how we only got together 3 years ago. It was I would say a painful process, with plenty of cliffhangers, high hopes that failed to realise, miscommunications and uncertainty. It took me a leap of faith to be here today and it was all worth it.

Here, I would stop being that girl people think I am, or a girl people think every girl should be – a girl who plays hard to get. I did toss that trick around with him and even other guys I talked to. I had my fair share of fun but essentially there’s no denying your true emotions deep down. In myself, I knew for years and years, even when I was still with my ex in secondary school, I had feelings for my current bf, now fiance. I secretly waited and waited for 5 years until the day I thought I should just give up on waiting for him to come knocking my door and tell me that we should both pursue our feelings for each other. On that day itself, the long awaited text message arrived and that’s where all the magic began, which led us to the present. I was about to give up, was even sharing it with my bestie about how sad I was that I thought we would end up together, that my hopes and dreams of sharing a life with someone I really thought was my soulmate was beyond return. I thought wrong, so wrong. God decided that then was the right time to turn things around for us. And I thank God everyday for that moment when I received the longest text message he ever sent me. In that very moment, as I poured my eyes over his text message, every inch of negative emotion I had just melted away and disappeared. Believe it or not, it felt like someone blew a breath of fresh air into my lungs and I felt so free. I just felt happy. The happiest I ever was. 

It took me months to believe that our relationship was real. He kept telling me that he too couldn’t believe that we really ended up together. We didn’t think God would give us a shot at this. God restored our faith when we thought He would let us down.

I had only one ex and yes, you guessed it right – I couldn’t stop thinking of him even when I was with my ex. In the boys department, being with him was all I thought about, even when I always mouthed my prayers to God to get him out of my head.

We tried meeting up so many times that we stopped trying because we realised (even though we don’t say it at all then) that we can’t mess with fate. Fate got in the way of us meeting up before the 5 year mark but fate got us here in the end. God had his reasons to leave that 5 year gap between us before letting us break the ice. In those years that I secretly wished and waited for the day where we got together, I knew he was my soulmate all along. There was this connection that was undeniably and unbelievably strong. Connecting with him even only via the virtual world was something I couldn’t resist because I really fell so hard for that person behind the screen that I have been in contact with for that long.

My secondary school mates knew I was head over heels for him. I honestly felt that he was on the same boat as I was. Somehow, we did share our mutual feelings for each other twice but nothing proceeded from there. None of us knew I would end up successfully meeting up with him in my first year in JC and get into a steady relationship 3 dates after our 1st meet up. There was nothing more to wait around for because we practically knew everything about each other, spiritually we were close. The timing felt right and I would say, it was sure as hell about time we got together after so much investment of emotions into this mutual connection we shared for years. Needless to say, my best friends (Khai, Deanna and Diyanah) were so Goddamn happy for me, as happy and as excited as I was on embarking this new phase in life.

I wouldn’t say I was desperate because the fact is, I wasn’t. It was just a feeling I couldn’t shake, that strong feeling that you know you can’t deny when you know something is going to happen. I had many guys and even girls who told me to give up waiting for us to get together, I shall not mention names. There were quite a couple of relationships that were waiting for me to say yes to and make a move on, but I kept my head held high and said no because I was waiting for someone else, someone special. I believed in us even when there wasn’t an ‘us’ to begin with yet. I just knew that I needed to have faith in God because only he can determine my fate. I always told God, “I wish that the next person I date or get together with will be my husband. Let it be him.”

Today, I can say Alhamdulillah, it is him. And I will whisper the same thing to myself minutes before and after I sign the papers on my solemnization day because he is my first love.

This is my story of how we met. It’s a complete opposite result of what people think a relationship that sparked from a friend request from a complete stranger on a social media platform would turn out to be. It isn’t a hoax and the connection is real. Fellow human beings who are in the position that I used to be in, it isn’t desperation if you listen to your heart, listen to your instincts and have faith.

If I had one thing from my experience to share with all of you, it’s to go for what you want most and what you believe in. Don’t waste time thinking of ‘what should be’ and ‘what could be’ but be wise and pursue something to make it a ‘what is’. Life is too short for you to mess around with your own feelings or denying them. It will only cause you heartache and misery. If you have someone that you would love to share your life with, go for it and don’t look back. Be like Ted Moseby (in How I Met Your Mother), always sincere in his relationships. But don’t make his mistake of living in denial, believing that every girl he meets is ‘The One’.

I may be really young, some might say too young to get married. But what’s there to wait for if the one you love and the one you’re certain of is your soulmate? Why waste precious time being just exclusive when you can start a life together? I can’t wait to wake up to the person I’ve always wanted to wake up to for years.

At last. The time is near, 9 months to go 🙂